Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
It's blow job season.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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