Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
We have so much sex to catch up on
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
