@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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