You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
