The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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