He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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