I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
