you guys were way drunker than both of me
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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