I skipped work to stalk him.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
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