Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
