Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
