I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
