So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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