my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
