Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
