Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
