he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
