shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize
