That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Randomize
