i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
