youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
