Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
