Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize