i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
