Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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