then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
