I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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