this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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