I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I just blew my weed a kiss
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
