Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
