The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
