Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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