When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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