I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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