dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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