I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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