chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
