I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
