her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
