you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize