she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
