dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
