Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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