I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
