I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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