I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
