I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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