The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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