I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize