definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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