I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I got inside last night via doggy door
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I love you. Go after that dick
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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