I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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