I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
