she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
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