dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
