Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
