capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
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