Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
