you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I want to fling myself into the sun
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize